Redneck Trek
by Nate K
Summary: If the Enterprise were to come across an entire culture of rednecks, what would it be like?


Captain's Log: Supplemental

_Captain's Log: Supplemental. After a very long and strenuous mission to the Theta Delta System, were on route for our next mission. I hope for a non-eventful journey._

Picard clicked off the recorder and ordered an Earl Grey from the replicator. He only had time for one sip before Worf's voice boomed over the comm. system.

"Captain Picard to the Bridge."

Picard put his cup back into the replicator and grumbled "Mer" before going into the Bridge. Riker and Troi sat in their usual chairs while Wesley and Data piloted the Enterprise smoothly. Picard looked up at Worf and frowned.

"Yes, Mr. Worf, what is it."

"Did I disturb you, Captain?"

"Nothing important; I was just looking forward to my cup of tea. What is the problem?"

"Sir, I have an unidentified ship approaching. It doesn't match anything in our files."

"Really? Can you hail it, Mr. Worf?"

Worf punched a button and the computer beeped. Within moments, the computer sounded, indicating the other ship had responded to the hail.

"Captain," Data quipped in, "I have their call sign now. They have no shields and limited armaments. They appear to use a primitive defensive system that includes ports for muskets."

Riker looked at Data, very amused and confused.

"Mr. Data, did you just say 'muskets'?"

Data turned and looked at Riker with his usual "is there a problem" look.

"Yes, Commander, I did say they used a very primitive weapons system."

Picard stood and faced the view screen, pulling down on his tunic to straighten it.

"Open hailing frequencies, Mr. Worf."

The view screen focused on a very strange looking vessel. The ship appeared to have a cargo area that was open to space while the engine was in the front of the ship and the bridge directly behind the engine. With the placement of the running lights and the configuration, it looked almost like an ancient Earth pick-up truck, only much larger. The cargo in the back appeared held in place with energy beams that almost resembled bungee cords stretched across assorted containers.

"Open hailing frequencies, Mr. Worf."

"Hailing frequencies open, sir."

The image on the screen was replaced with a man with long, stringy hair and a very long beard. He wore a hat that looked like it had holes in it that could have been caused by projectiles. In the background, the bridge crew included a barefoot woman in very short shorts and a tunic that didn't quite fit correctly, stopping somewhere around her navel. Picard didn't know quite what to say, but decided it was best to remain within convention. The audio picked up a loud and raucous music style of some sort that included some man singing about something called an "Orange Blossom Special." Everyone on the Bridge of the _Enterprise_ covered his or her ears to blot out the horrendous noise.

"Greetings, I am Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the _USS Enterprise_, representing the United Federation of Planets."

"Wooey! Well howdy thar, Captain!" He turned his head a spit a brown liquid into a pot that he produced from somewhere below him. "I'm Jin'rl Hank McCoy of the _Masey-Dixey_. This hare is the flagship of ma fleet."

Picard thought long and hard and then looked up to the ceiling.

"Computer, run diagnostics. Was that actually Earl Grey tea I was drinking?"

The computer answered within seconds.

"Affirmative."

Picard thought again.

"Run diagnostic on air-handling system. Are there any hallucinogenic substances in the atmosphere?"

Again, the computer answered within seconds.

"Negative."

"What is that sound from that ship? Is it a weapon of some type?"

Data turned and stated an answer in a very matter-of-factly tone.

"It's an obscure musical style known as Bluegrass. The song you hear is performed by..."

Picard turned to Worf and gave a hand across the throat signal. Worf immediately muted the sound and Data turned and discontinued his speech.

"Counselor?"

Troi looked back at Picard with complete confusion.

"Captain, I don't have any idea what he is and I can't get a good reading on his emotions. He seems to be intoxicated."

"Intoxicated? You mean he's piloting a ship carrying cargo while drinking intoxicating substances. What Captain or General or anyone would do something so irresponsible?"

Troi corrected Picard quickly.

"I said he 'seems' intoxicated, but I don't think he is. I think that is just his natural personality."

Picard turns back to Worf and indicates to un-mute the screen.

"General, it is our mission to seek out and contact new life-forms and as such, I extend greetings from the United Federation of Planets."

The scruffy man on the screen suddenly looked horrified and turned off his screen, cutting off everything except audio.

"Wait a minute thar, Captain. Did you say 'Federation'? Now, we don't cottin no federal revinooers gettin inta our bizness. Everyone, git your guns and git to yore places. We're a huntin revinooers!"

The image on the screen is replaced with the strange ship, now with thin metal tubes emerging from the ports along the sides and top of the bridge. Flashes of light erupt, soon followed with the pinging sound of something hitting the Enterprise and bouncing off. Picard looked at Worf as he scanned the readouts and looked up at Picard quizzically.

"Captain, I believe we are under fire. They are using lead balls fired from weapons that propel them by expanding gas from an explosion in the muzzle. Riker looked up at Worf and then back to Picard and Data.

"Musket guns? You mean they're firing at us with musket guns?"

"I think that's what they called that particular type of weapon. Shall I arm the photon torpedoes?"

Troi looks back at Worf and yells.

"Worf! Didn't I try to teach you the last time we spent the night together, you have to slow down and think first!"

Worf looked down at the floor and kicks the carpeting with his toe.

"I'm sorry, Deanna, I forgot. Do you have any orders, Captain."

"Yes I do. Picard to Engineering."

"LaForge here."

"Geordi, the computer says there's nothing wrong with the air, but I don't believe it. Please check it out and make sure there's nothing that would cause hallucinations and for that matter, double-check the replicators. I do believe that my tea was spiked. There's nothing else that would explain all this."

"Right away, Captain."

Picard sat back down in his chair and looks up to Worf.

"Please, Mr. Worf, hail the _Masey-Dixey_ again."

Worf grumbled and gave in. He really had his heart set on those photon torpedoes.

"Aye, sir."

Within moments, the face of Jin'rl McCoy once again filled the view screen.

"You can order us if younto, but I ain' givin' up without a fight!"

Picard almost laughed aloud. Riker looked to him with utter confusion.

"Captain?"

"Sometimes, Riker, you just have to...bow to the absurd. General McCoy, there seems to be a misunderstanding. We have no interest in interfering with you or anything you do. We just want to say 'hello'."

Jin'rl McCoy's eyes lit up.

"Well, why did'n yo jus' say so. Cum on back wit us to our home planet. Follow us naow to Kintucky. It's jus' a bit over that thar star holler."

Picard thinks a moment.

"I'll take that as an invitation, thank you. We would be delighted."

"Good! I'll radio up ahead an' tell 'em to break out the good shine. You sure will enjoy it, I'll swear!"

The _Masey-Dixey_ turns on itself and with a puff of smoke and a flash of light from it's tailpipe/plasma tube, it takes off for home with the _Enterprise_ close by. Picard thinks aloud to the crew "this is going to be the strangest log entry I have ever made."


End file.
